Johnny On Spot w/ the Applecart

Hooozaaa! America! and Good Day! to the House of BOD. I hope this note finds you all in good health and constitution. Don’t forget on this termination of the month of Julius that
all ceremonial pork loins and buttery figs must be consumed by midnight. Penalties include the docking of afterlife virgins at a rate of one per hour.

Speaking of enlightened despots and post-humus booty, our illustrious President B.O. recently toasted two of his newest friends and scholars. Clearly the teachable moment in all of this is that police brutality and race card playing leads to a seat at the most powerful cocktail hour this side of Boris Yeltsin’s dacha. Although we are not exactly sure what went on during this imbibition session, it is safe to say “Hooray Beer”! (Unless of course you are VP JB, in which case you would opt for the tamer “Hooray Non-Alcoholic Beer!)

All in all, me thinks our Prez deserved a cold one, although he may want to start opting for something a little stronger than 4.2% ABV. After making a clean break from the gate in January, those pesky approval numbers have been sniped at the knees, and Crazy Nancy only seems to be complicating matters. Here are the gains after the first half of the year:

Pablo- $1.66
Cash-$15.00

Midweek WageRama

The week has been a rush - a quick recap for those who did not keep box score:

ASHES CUP - TEST TWO @ LORDS
More cricket. Mr. Kitay and I have just squared off on round two of our fantasy cricket endeavour, with the standings now at:

Kitay: (no fucking clue)
Eskimobar: (completely ass-backwards bewildered)

Hopefully the hosting website has the functionality to clearly convey a final winner; it is, after all, on the interweb, and technology and computers have the ability to do the mathematical calculation equal to that of a 80 x 120 foot abacus.

2009 OPEN CHAMPIONSHIP
Pablo took a bath on this one, dropping two of the three agreed upon props. In hindsight, JMFD's performance may have been unduly augmented by the higher ABV of beer in Europe against the standard content found in American brew. Or it could be that between his platinum hair and razz-a-ma-taz pants he was able to play a little winter rules golf since no one in the gallery could stare directly at him. Of course this does not apply to Ian Poulter, who would stare directly at JMFD's inseam nexus until his eyes combusted.

And he would bust too.

Because he's gay.

And not like that, "Oh, all European men are like that," put off. I mean the gay like when he has consentual sex with other men.

Double or nothing on the outstanding Open take with the Poulter Prop, Mr. Kitay?

INTRADE BETS O' THE WEEK

This website is so fantastic it garners its own write up - which I intend to provide fully at a later date - but I wanted to get two prop takes out there right now:

WEEKEND BOX OFFICE TAKE: G-Force, +30mil

This movie looks like such a blatant offense on the intelligence and sensibilities of the viewing public that it HAS to work, according to my Paul Blart Box Office Theorum:

A movie will excel just as much in the box office as I believe it appears awful, because the overwhealming majority of the viewing public are braindead.

WISE LATINA VOTES: +65

Sotomayor will obtain 65 or more yes votes in her confirmation hearing, mostly from David Cone's lobbying efforts.

Their Name is Mudd

Interesting analysis showing marquee names are not everything.

The Gate, Vol I

On the day of the Cotto-Pacquiao announcement, it may seem like old news to be posting about Mayweather-Marquez. But over here at BOD, the line moves with the smart money and not the flashy headlines. Since the early odds are being sliced and diced by the big books, now is the time to lean on your guy and do some front-running. Here are the winning Principles and Platitudes for September 19th.

The Bookie: Play the macro trends like a fiddle. A fight like this draws out emotional money and the low hanging fruit will be there for the taking. Floyd’s un-retirement coupled with Mexico’s Independence Day means any successful strategy will hinge on when you get in the books. With Marquez sitting at +300, take anything down to +250 while you can and wait for the props to come out before offsetting.

The Noise: Pre-fight is all about 3M (Money Mouth Mayweather). Don’t let the back story affect your moves. Marquez is no joke and his two fights against pound-for-pound king Pacquiao showed he can wear Cinderella’s slipper. 3M will have his hands full with a counterpuncher of equal rank, as well as a weight limit leaving him Koo-Koo for Coco puffs at the training table. Mayweather hasn’t fought this tape since Gatti, and that was with a faster twitch and sprier legs. Marquez has wanted this fight for years and will be treating it as his Everest. 3M sees it as a tune-up.

The Action: Now is the time to take odds on Marquez. If you like Mayweather, keep your money off the table. These fighters are surgeons, not brawlers. The exotics will be anything but, so timing is important. Look for the CompuBox props to give you the most upside.

A Turn for the Berry

A tip of the hat to Monsieur Eskimobar. If it wasn't for a good-natured geriatric and a snappy dresser, those English tossers would have gotten to keep their Claret Jug. Thanks also goes out to JMFD for keeping his shit together this weekend. A portion of the take will be going towards a pair of those pants, I promise.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's bidness to tend to.

2009 Open Championship: B.O.D. Day 1 Rundown

Greetings from Scotchland, bluebloods. One round down in the Open Championships, finding Mr. Kitay and I embroiled in three separate props set up during a clay shooting session earlier this week. Each wager staked equally:

1. United States of America ($ Kit) v. The Rest of the World (Eskimobar)
Winner of the Open, by nationality. Eldrick has been removed from all consideration, partially due to his destruction of the odds on this prop being even, partially due to him having a net worth on par with the GNDP of some smaller countries. In the event that Eldrick wins the Open, tournament champion for the sake of this wager will be the runner up.

After day one, Miguel Angel Jimenez takes his sailor's mouth of a Castillian lisp into sole possesion of first place.

Stupid early outlook: PABLO ESKIMOBAR
Chance of success: 3%!!!

2. Pick-A-Foursome
Cash and I each chose four golfers, winner takes it down if one of his chosen players wins (again, Eldrick aside). To the leaderboard:

If you cannot discern the markings to the left, apologies. I was engaged in my non-court appointed community service at the time, and I allowed one of the children attending the wine tasting to tag the relevant players.

Currently Steve Stricker leads the pace of our hand-picked pack, +2 off the lead. Goosen and Furyk follow +3 off the Spaniard, while Hunter Mahan gets a jump start on his choke clinic he so expertly conducted at Bethpage Black.

Stupid Early Outlook: NO WINNER
Chance of Success: 83%

3. The Man in the Red Circle: Pre-Cut Closest to the Pin
The final stipulation revolves around the score of JMFD over the first 36 holes. Our algorithmically derived predictions:

Kitay: 151
Eskimobar: 156

Currently, JD sits at -2, putting Cash's position Lenny-Dykstra-deep-in-the-money. A day two blow up seems highly unlikely, as orangutan pugilist Boo Weekley has a position on the rail slightly ahead at -3. Look for JD to draft off of Boo for the next couple laps, saving gas to avoid pitting outside of a yellow caution.

Not-so-Stupidly Early Outlook: Cash Kitay
Chance of Success: 97.3%

Look for further comment as these plays develop over the next 54 holes.

ALSO THIS WEEKEND - Round two of the BOD Arthur Ashes Cup Challenge from Lords

Arturo "Thunder" Gatti 1972-2009

“Cowards die many times before their deaths
The valiant never taste of death but once.”
-Julius Caesar

The man could make the most cynical of bettors cheer. He was a throwback to the early days, one who stirred the souls of Robinson and Moore from their slumber. Four times he participated in Ring Magazine’s “Fight of the Year” and was the victor of what many consider to be time’s most exciting trilogy of fights.

It was during the third fight of Gatti-Ward that he transcended the title of pugilist and became legend. After breaking his hand in the fourth, it was only a matter of time before Gatti would be forced to cease. One could hear the murmurs from the “TKO before the 8th” holders, which grew into a roar when Ward sent him to the mat before the bell in the sixth. I stood to be rewarded handsomely by a Ward victory and gladly started to calculate the night’s take. But the warrior would have none of it. There he stood in his corner; a right arm hanging lifeless at his side. The legend was not giving up that night. He saw the face of death, and winked in reply, throwing his censure upon all the doubters.

Coupd'smoke

Although deriving financial gain through the construction of exotics is life's priority, it is necessary to occasionally recluse oneself from the market in order to reflect upon past conquests. Meditation is vital to the wagering process, as it allows the player to rebalance in response to the changing landscape. Before any strategizing session, I opt to consult my resident tobacconist at Up Down Tobacco. She recently suggested I enjoy one of Honduras’s finest products, and no it was not the folly of the most recent banana republic coup d'état. Rather it was company of the Partagas camp’s Spanish Rosado, one of the tastier rosados available today. The first thing one will notice is that this cigar passes the eye test with flying colors. The Honduran wrapper is ruddy and oily with strong vein protrusions still present, a credit to the rich valley from which it is harvested. The prelit draw has a sweet citrus taste with a hint of pumpkin spice at the end, a general signal that the smoke will edge toward the medium end of the spectrum. This was confirmed upon lighting, with the same mild tastes complementing each easy draw. This is definitely a great summer cigar and should be allotted at minimum three-quarters of an hour. It can be smoked down to the nubs and will never get harsh.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

ASHES CUP 2009 CHALLENGE

It feels like much more than four years went by since the hallowed Ashes Cup graced the Queen's Isle, playing host to the scumbags of that penal colony/island/country/continent, Australia. But lo, it is once again time to don our whites and plant our wickets firmly in the pitch. It is once again cricket time.

Cash and Pablo will be pitting their batsmen know-how with some high stakes fantasy cricket action (courtesy of CricketInc) over the course of the Ashes. The dates of the Ashes matches - for those of you who have not synced them into your Outlook calendars or told your mistresses to, "Just go out shopping," so you can get all Keith Richards with your own ashes tradition:

7/8: CARDIFF
7/16: LORDS
7/30: EDGBASTON
8/7: HEADINGLY
8/20: KENNINGTON OVAL

The stakes will be commensurate with Sir Allen Stanford-level cricket wagering: twenty pounds sterling, deliverable ONLY in pounds sterling. Winner will be the party whose bowlers/batsmen/all-arounds put up the most points between the five matches, and will not only have his coffer filled with a devaluing currency, but also be crowned "The Peter Gammons of Cricket."

Let the wager commence!

Good Day to You Sirs

I would like to thank Mr. Eskimobar for inviting me to contribute to Bettor Oft Dead. It is an honor to collaborate on his efforts to fill a void that has existed for too long in the World Wide Web, and he deserves our appreciation.

Gentleman, we find ourselves at a precipice. Society has declared war on what we hold dear and customs are facing extinction. The state of Washington is trying to ban cigars on golf courses, Minnesota is trying to block online gaming. The freedoms and liberties that formed the foundation of our country are being threatened, and no one is saying boo. That is until now. We are the voice for the voiceless. Your stick is our stick. We hold dear all that is man, and we vow to defend extravagance and luxury at all costs. We cherish the finer things and apologize for nothing. Not since the dreaded Burns Inquiry have men been so threatened, but iron only gains strength after emerging from the fires. The test will be passed and through this portal we will reclaim what is ours, the essence of our beings. Welcome aboard.

Enter the Prop

Welcome to Bettor Oft Dead (hereforth referred as BOD), a public porthole looking into the egregious and opulent world of exotic wagers and vices shared by Cash Kitay, Pablo Eskimobar, and their growing syndicate of verbose and bourgeois compatriots. This venue is a home separate from home, a place for this ilk to escape and loosen their collective girdle. Much as grown-ass men join a separate golf club to get away from the wife and children at the primary country club, this published wordspace is a supplementary venture whose members hold primary duties with groups such as the Illuminatti, Skulls, and Rand Corporation.

Feel free to comment, prod and provoke; welcome to Terrordome.